Islanders: The Older The Better
by Dragonfly86
Summary: LOTF Standalone. Two businessmen are stranded on an unknown island where they meet tribal people, exotic women, and strange meat patties. Very witty, but ending could be too abrupt.


The sea was shouting, as the boat was riveting through the waters of the Atlantic Ocean. On the boat were two businessmen, Sir Edward Beal; O.B.E., and Jordan Montgomery. They were shareholders in a trading company, which just made a big public offering on the S&P 500, where they brought the level up for the first time in seven months. Edward was knighted by the Queen years ago for his achievement in acting, yes, acting. He was adored on several hit British soap operas, celebrated on stage in several plays, including Edward III, Much Ado About Nothing, and the West End revival of Separate Tables, and jeered when he starred on the flop BBC sitcom, "I Hate You, Now Kiss Me!". He made the shocking announcement to retire during an interview on live television, flabbergasting just about the entire population of the United Kingdom.  
  
For Jordan Montgomery, it was a whole other story. He was raised in Cape Cod, where his family was highly successful, investing in stocks and being on the board of directors of just about every corporation except for Standard Oil. Once graduating Harvard, he went to New York City, where he had no life except for dealing on Wall Street and extorting money from NBC (okay, I'm joking about the last part). He formed his own company, Conquistador Funds. Five years later, Conquistador Funds merged with Beal's company, Queen Funds, to form Total Wussy Pie Funds (seriously!). Unlike Beal, who is a well-known bachelor, Jordan is married with four children, three of them illegitimate (just kidding!).  
  
On the boat, the sea was getting very choppy. Thunderstrikes were constant and unhinged, much to the fear of Jordan, who has had a long- standing phobia of thunder and lightning.  
"Why does this have to happen to me?", sighed Jordan, fearing of instant anti-gratification (also known as death).  
"Shut your trapperhole, you twitted puss!", yelled Sir Edward, mad at his unnecessary, in his eyes, show of emotion. The boat was shaking to the point that the two men were at the edge of the boat, thisclose to holding on to dear life. As Jordan went into the indoor sleeping chamber, Sir Edward was manning the edges on the boat, trying to rush to the shore. The lightning was hitting so close that it was heating the waters like urine to a pool. A quick few minutes later, they headed onto a steep desert island filled with used bonfires and tribal clothing, left on the desert like bad movies at a budget theater.  
"We're definitely not in New York anymore," Jordan said in a deadpan way.  
"Or London, for that matter," Sir Edward added with a scared wit. The sun was setting and the two were searching for a safe surface to sleep on. The two slept on two big, black rocks. Sir Edward slept without one of his great fancies, a blanket.  
  
Jordan and Sir Edward awoke shortly before sunrise, startled by a sight they questioned the night before. Hundreds of men, women, and children, wearing nothing but loincloths and frontal tops, were sleeping on the sand.  
"I knew those National Geographic photos were real," Jordan said in shock. "I thought they were staged attempts to show nudity in a classy manner."  
"Are you out of your God given mind?!", Sir Edward said, stunned at this experienced person's stupidity. "This is the real thing. We should cherish and appreciate this society."  
  
Two Days Later  
  
"I can't stand these coconuts!", Sir Edward said in complete madness. He had spent two consecutive days drinking the coconut juice and giving up the meat to the tribal people while telling Jordan not to drink the saltwater. He got his baggage, which contained several scripts from "I Hate You, Now Kiss Me!". Instantaneously, he thought of a brilliant idea. He would teach the tribal people how to act, with the pilot of the show as the base of the lessons.  
  
He gathered Jordan and a majority of the islanders (the others declined, claiming that the Anglos were going to whitewash their lives) and told them to role play the scenes.  
  
"I'd rather drink pig bladder than kiss you!", Jordan acted out with passion.  
"Yeah, the pig bladder would reject you!", one of the women, Pandma, stumbled through, looking at Sir Edward with disgust, like he had broken some kind of religious sin of sort.  
"Cease with this disaster!", Sir Edward yelled out to the people. The children started to cry and the women came toward him like they were going to lay the holy smack down on him. "No, I'm sorry; I really, really am," he said, scared of the opposite sex for possibly the first time ever. He walked backwards as the flock continued to tremble him with fear. Finally, he came into the edge of the water. The women began to laugh and pulled him out of the gut. Jordan was one of the onlookers who saw the sight.  
"I thought he would have been killed by those he-shes," Jordan said while chuckling. The women's husbands were behind him, and they grinned when he looked back. Sir Edward was anything but ready to laugh. He ran to the nearest sector of trees, obviously a chicken, and a big one too.  
  
The sun was beginning to set as the islanders, led by Pandma, started building and lighting up the seven strategically placed bonfires. Pandma's father, Sak-He, was putting face paint on the children. Jordan was helping the women boil the water, talking to them as if they were his aunts. All over the island, the people were beginning to get along; all of the people except for Sir Edward, whom no one knew where he was.  
In a secluded part, where only trees and shrubs were the occupiers, Sir Edward felt at home. He was cherishing the peace and quiet and remembering of previous experiences, one of them the time the Queen knighted him. He kneeled to the Queen, who placed the tribute sword on his forehead, which was filled with suave hairs. He, unaware of the knighthood process, thought he was being hacked to death by his Highness. The private audience around him applauded.  
  
"How do you make this?", Jordan asked Pandma, holding a handful of meat. The island women were making pretzel-like meat patties and Jordan decided to help out. After making thirteen patties, he forgot the process of how to make them. "Am I supposed to boil or broil?".  
"You aren't supposed to do either. You are supposed to tie the meat into a bind, then let it heat under a rock for three days". Pandma said.  
"Then what are we going to eat for tonight," he said. Pandma walked to a homemade tray and got it. It was filled with flies feasting over the patties.  
"Here is the dinner, delicious meats," Pandma pleasingly said  
"Are you by any chance out of your brain socket?!", Jordan said in complete mad shock. The islanders ran to the anything but delectable feast. "How do these live with the parasites and the flies on their food?", he said under his breath. In no time for eating, Jordan decided to sleep on the rock that he slept on the previous night. He ripped out a plant canopy and used it for his blanket. Before he could sleep peacefully, lightning started to appear. Later, it started to rain hippopotamuses and cheetahs. Jordan's slicked back hair started to wet. He quickly wondered where Sir Edward was and if he was safe, but was convinced against looking for him by Sak-He.  
"You shouldn't look now," Sak-He said. "My grandfather, Ougeu, looked for his brother, who had ran to a safer place after a storm. Three days later, the brother came back, without Ougeu. Since then, everyone has been barred from going there.  
"So you mean that if I go and look for him, only he will come back in three days," Jordan said, evidently scared. "Do you, do you?"  
"Yes, yes I do," Sak-He said. Just as everything was going to a boiling point, Pandma walked in to the confrontation.  
"Is everything alright?" she said. "Because if there isn't, I can bring The Eldest over to settle this out." The Eldest is the greatest of the islanders, known for his powers as a healer, a judge, and a person who can settle any problem. Everyone feared him, because he can be as harsh as he can be polite.  
"I'll go tomorrow," Jordan said, now all knowing of the risk of it all. Jordan reentered the celebration, with a lot of fear for Sir Edward and his well-being.  
  
Morning came and it was sunny, just like every other day. Jordan awoke from his rockbed, with a really bad feeling in his back. Sak-He was the first of the islanders to wake up, and almost immediately, he joined Jordan on his search for Sir Edward. The night before, Jordan almost remembered where his partner in crime and extortion walked, however he quickly forgot as morning came.  
"You do know exactly where this man was, do you?", Sak-He said in a disciplinary manner.  
"Yes, yes I do," said Jordan, completely taken away by the question. "Unfortunately, I remembered last night." Sak-He looked at Jordan as if he were completely insane and just broke out of the "cuckoo" house, as The Eldest calls it.  
"What do you mean by I remembered last night?", he said to Jordan, bewildered by the foreigner's dumb manner. "This is a man who might be dead, not a mortal enemy."  
"However, he was a mortal enemy to me," Jordan said, looking very crazy. "You see, he tried to take money away from me by buying my company and-."  
"Enough with your freakish American ways!", Sak-He said, very, very mad at him. "This is exactly why we were disgusted with that "I Hate Him, Now Kiss Him!".  
"Actually, it's "I Hate You, Now Kiss Me!," and it's British, not American."  
"Same thing. They both love the occasional bomb or two," Sak-He said under his clumped breath. They ran on the hot sand, the feet bubbling with blisters aplenty, but they didn't care about feet; they cared about Sir Edward Beal O.B.E, actor, businessman, gentleman, and greedy pumpernickel. They approached on an area of trees, shrubs, and seven ripped-out plant canopies. They instantaneously knew that someone, hopefully Sir Edward, was there. They saw him, waving in a show of help and/or desperation. It was obvious that he was in need of food, even if it was meat patties in a bind like pretzels that heat under a rock before being eaten, despite the ravaging of flies that buzz on the food.  
  
"God, have I been waiting for you, Jordan," said Sir Edward. It had been three days since he was rescued by Jordan and Sak-He. He spent those two days thanking the two men and boiling the saltwater out of the drinking supply. Jordan was happy for the thanks, but was worried for his wife and children, who didn't know where he was or whether he was even alive. On television, the two men were presumed dead when the boat submerged after a supposed tidal wave. In actuality, there was no tidal wave anywhere near the island. Fortunately, Sir Edward's ex-wife, Dame Geraldine Hennessy, was going on British television holding out hope that he was still alive.  
"Even though we parted on such harsh terms, I certainly wish that he is holding out there wherever he is, and that he is in good health and spirits," she said. "If it is found that he is no more, my heart will break into broken glass, never to be paired again." The surprising, if not fake, show of emotion startled the public which had chronicled the marriage, from the shock marriage in Vegas to the horrid divorce in the Court of Public (and private) opinion. Meanwhile, back to the island.  
  
Pandma and Jordan have had a friendship that is just that, friendship. For days, Jordan has been hoping to introduce Sir Edward to Pandma, praying for a potential romance to blossom. Unfortunately, he has been anything but compliant to Jordan's wishes. Finally, Sir Edward gave in, deciding to have a "date" with Pandma.  
"How is your compliance doing?," Sir Edward said, as nervous as ever before. "You must be very happy to meet a man of my stature."  
"No, not at all. I had better fun talking to my supposed crush during my mother's funeral," Pandma said, mad at all of the fakeness set up by Jordan.  
"Sorry to hear about your mother," Sir Edward said, obviously sad about the news. "What was her name?"  
"Her name was Sareque. The name meant in The Eldest's language, she who is full of spirit and goodwill," Pandma said, still mad but a little calmer.  
"Sareque must have been a very good woman to be around, and to be raised by her must have been a very great duty," Sir Edward said.  
"She was the best to be around. She would always tell stories about how she would ride on sharks and she would be at ease. I would never be able to do that. I am such a total wussy pie."  
"That happens to be the name of my company. Total Wussy Pie Funds, the merged name of Conquistador Funds and Queen Funds. Cool, isn't it?"  
"Who would want to name their company Total Wussy Pie Funds. That's like naming your child Future Religious Abomination!"  
Startled by Pandma's unbelievable comment, Sir Edward ran out of things to say, so he said something completely stupid.  
"How do you take care of your hygiene?". Pandma threw a cup of hot drinking water on him and stormed off. Sir Edward, completely blindsided by unexpected, but kind of expected reaction, ran with his hands on his eyes. "I'm blind, I'm blind! Now I feel what 34% of British feel like!" he cried, surprised by his use of the U.K. Census in his comment. While Pandma was storming away, Jordan blocked her way, looking like he wanted to know how things were happening.  
"Why do you look so mad? And why is Sir Edward jumping like a game show winner?" Jordan said.  
"Tell your friend that I'm a force to be reckoned with, not some disposable wife!! Oh, and another thing, great saaewanas!" Pandma said, both mad and slightly overjoyed by seeing a middle-age man crying like a newborn.  
  
"What did you say to that woman? She looked madder than a female wrestle being tackled!" Jordan said, mad at Sir Edward.  
"She was talking about how I was worse than her crush during her mother's funeral, and I was at a loss for words so I asked her, 'How do you take care of your hygiene?'," Sir Edward said, trembling at his every word.  
  
"You asked her about her hygiene?! I don't know much about how the British hit on women, but if you say that to an American woman let alone a foreigner, I would recommend going to see and eye 'cause boy, are you going to have problems!" Jordan said, tongue-tied over the fact that Sir Edward, known for being a suave bachelor, said such a bizarre, if not unexpected, choice of words. Jordan quickly walked away from him. Just as he was about to run to his bed, a helicopter appeared. It's vast choppers and lively engine startled the fellow islanders, who had never seen a helicopter ever in their lives. The onlookers were as startled as Jordan and Sir Edward.  
"Oh my God, has my dream come true?" Sir Edward said. The islanders ran to see this flying machine at work. The rope ladder began to come down to the sand. Jordan and Sir Edward convinced Pandma to enter the chopper. She would go on one single condition, that Sak-He came with her. The two men relented, and the four escapees quickly climbed the rope.  
"Sareque would be proud!" one of the fellow islanders yelled, waving at the foursome.  
"Sorry I made you a jumping crier," Pandma said to Sir Edward before giving him a big hug. The chopper left into the moon, never to be seen again.  
  
The End (Sort Of)  
  
Sir Edward Beal and Jordan Montgomery continued at the reins of Total Wussy Pie Funds until the FCC shut it down due to 'insufficient' funds.  
  
Edward returned to acting, where he started a successful revival of "I Hate You, Now Kiss Me", with Pandma as his new female lead. The show is still going on. Jordan co-hosted a cooking special with Sak-He, "How to Make Saaewanas and Other Island Specialties". It starts several books, TV gigs, and a regular spot on "The Oprah Winfrey Show".  
  
In addition to "I Hate You, Now Kiss Me!", Pandma co-hosts a call-in radio show with Jordan, "Chatterboxes with The Island Girl and The Cooking Dude with Four Children". Though it was unsuccessful, it's a big hit in New Mexico. 


End file.
